Caregivers To Aging Parents: The "Only Child" Syndrome



Posted: Saturday, July 21, 2007

by

Remember this old joke? It takes place in the Garden of Eden.

Eve, looks at Adam and asks, "Do you love me, Adam?"

Adam raises his eyebrows and says, "Who else?"

Who else, indeed? So is the reality of the " only child". From our earliest memories, we were aware of having the "exclusive contract".

The one that states that we are "it". The only one to take care of our aging parents. What a role to be cast in. Of course, we want our parents to live a long time. Then again, we can't kid ourselves. With aging comes physical decline. Sometimes cognitive impairment. And emotional problems.

For the "only child", there is good news. We don't have to deal with sibling pressures. No arguing about choices or who's right and who's wrong. If you've ever witnessed the bickering and pettiness that can go on in a family to aging parents, you may be glad to be the only one! Nobody's messing with you!

The bad news is there is absolutely no support. You're going it alone. No emotional support. No financial support. Nobody to take turns.

If you've moved your aging parent into your home, there's no sister or brother to show up so you can get away for rest and rejuvenation.

The "only child" is more likely to be sent on a " guilt trip". This can start at an early age. Depending on when your parents grew up will also determine the extent of the guilt trip.

For aging parents who saw no need for women to "have their own life", daughters can pay a huge price in these family dynamics.

The only child thinks twice about moving far away and having their own life. There are no siblings living near the parents to offer support and companionship. This can be a cause for an undercurrent of resentment. Turned inward, the "only child" suffers depression.

If you are married, you hope your spouse is supportive. You could be part of the " sandwich generation". Feeling needed by your kids on one side of you and your aging parents on the other side.

Say you are divorced with no kids, like moi, you are not squeezed into sandwich fixins' by others. But, then again, you are truly alone. And you'd better thrive on independence!

For the only child who is the sole caregiver to aging parents, you must reach out to the social support systems available. If not, you will burn out and be no good to yourself or your loved ones.

Find out about home-care workers in your area. These people are a god-send. Not just for the only child but also to the parent who gets more valuable social contact.

Who else? There are others ready to help. You just have to reach out to them...

(c) 2007 Karen Cook For more information on eldercare, drop by http://incareofparents.blogspot.com Karen Cook works in a Public Library where she finds information for caregivers. Karen, an "only child", was also sole caregiver to her Mom, who resided with her until her death in 2006.
This Article has been viewed 1,442 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)
» left by Daphne
 3 years 301 days ago.
Oh my...you just don't know how much (its apparent that you do). In addition to the above, add to it, paying 2/3 of the rent on a single room within an assisted living facility for my Mom, instead of depositing same into my Sep IRA. I keep saying to myself "while she can still value her surounding, I want her to have..." I just want to be always be able to pay whatever is needed. I know that might not always be the case, however. Thanks, Karen.
» left by 3 years 301 days ago.
Hi Daphne! I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my article. It means a lot to me. The conflicting emotions we have for years sometimes can do us in. And you are so right! The financial burden of having to go it alone is mind-boggling. Mom and I were blessed she was able to stay with me. But I still find myself lying in bed at night thinking, "Oh, I wish I could have done this or that. If only I could have given her this.." The guilt! It will be 2 years in May and it feels like 2 months ago. She's probably laughing at me saying, "What are you complaining about. I'm in paradise now!" At least that's the thought that keeps me going. We have to know we "did our best". Take strength from that. On the other hand, we need to worry about our own future. It's one tough balancing act. I still have moments when I feel resentment for not being able to think only of ME. But, I know deep down, that I couldn't have done it any differently. That's the way we ARE! Just think Daphne...of the parents in the world who would give anything to have daughters like us! May good thoughts and power surround you! Karen
» left by avlin from vancouver, bc 3 years 22 days ago.
hi Karen, well I admire the strength you have. Tell you the truth it's not easy with times like this. I don't know where I will get my strength from. Hopefully the support you talked about continues(care workers) at list we can get some comfort from that.
thanks.
alvin
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.